Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Horatio graced the Whiskey Barn with his new masterpiece on Saturday night!

It was an overwhelming experience, to say the least. Horatio's band took the stage at 9 o'clock and played "Drunker Than Satan". After the subsiding of all the frantic joy that ensues with each performance of "Drunker Than Satan", Horatio's band was joined by approximately 30 more musicians. They brought a wide array of symphonic instruments to the stage.

I would be amiss even to attempt to describe this masterpiece. I can assure you that, at the conclusion of this new song, there was not a dry eye in the Whiskey Barn. Many members of the audience actually passed out due to the emotional exhaustion brought on by Horatio's genius.

It is irrefutable that Horatio has irrevocably redefined the concept of quality for the entire world.

As the musicians (all of whom were sobbing wildly, as well) began to leave the stage, Horatio announced that this would be the only live performance of this song due to its "devastating emotional impact".

After about an hour and a half, I was able to stop crying and I went to seek out Horatio. He was in a corner with about a dozen of his handsome, young lady friends, their beautiful faces were all stained with tears.

Horatio had his usual wide grin and greeted me in his standard way, "Hey Deacon! Have a drink! Deacon, I'M AWESOME!".

After agreeing whole-heartedly with his declaration of awesome-ness, I asked if he had anything to say about his new brilliant, masterpiece.

Horatio said, "Deacon, I've spent my whole life studying the mathematical intricacies of Bach's fugues, the a-tonal elements of Stravinsky's symphonies, the harmonic and rhythmic innovations of Charlie Parker, and Dr. Dre's pioneering methods of composition and production, so I reckon that it's a bit ironic that this here song that I wrote makes their masterpieces look a little sh!tty."

I then began to sob uncontrollably again. It is overwhelming to be in the presence of such a wise and eloquent man.

I will post his new masterpiece here once Jimmy Joe Dan completes a process known as "mixing". This song will enrich and uplift your life!

Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Rumors of a new Horatio Lee Jenkins song

It is likely that many of you have been hearing rumors of a new Horatio Lee Jenkins song. I felt that I needed to address those rumors publicly and Horatio authorized my request last Sunday.

Horatio does indeed have a new song and will very soon use it to make our world a better place!

I personally know very little about this song outside of these few facts that I will share with you.

Apparently, many of Horatio's attractive young lady friends are members of various college music ensembles. Many of these young ladies, equipped with various odd symphonic instruments, have been rehearsing with Horatio's band at the Whiskey Barn. These rehearsals last upwards of 20 hours and have been occurring daily for the last two weeks.

Rod's farm has been closed to visitors. I ran into Rod a few days ago. He told me that Horatio's new song is breathtaking and that the musicians leave each day with tears streaming down their face due to the emotional power of Horatio's composition.

Carl Dangers, Horatio's pianist, told me with tears in his eyes, "Deacon, Horatio's new song is going to f*cking blow your f*cking mind! Aw f*ck, Deacon, aw f*ck it's good!"

Jimmy Joe Dan, who owns and operates Soaring Bald Eagle Studio, was teary eyed when he told me, "Deacon, we lost a lot of equipment from water damage. Musicians kept crying and crying due to the devastating emotional power of Horatio's new song and their tears ruined microphones, mixing boards, and even my coffee maker."

Jimmy paused to regain his composure and said, "Deacon, it's all worth it! Even if there were so many tears that my studio got flooded the f*ck out and then caused some weird electrical phenomenon which made my studio blow the f*ck up, it'd still be worth it! Aw f*ck, Horatio's new song is priceless. Aw f*ck, Deacon, it's priceless as f*ck!".

Please keep in mind, no man is more adored than Horatio Lee Jenkins and Horatio violently disapproves of the cussing. For two of his closest friends to be moved to such an outburst of profanity, they must have been severely emotionally intoxicated to say the least. I shudder to think what power this song may contain.

Apparently through all of these emotional recording sessions and rehearsals Horatio Lee Jenkins never stopped smiling, singing, drinking, and telling everyone not to worry because "everything is going to be awesome!". He is such an amazing man!

Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Amazing Music Video For Horatio’s Amazing Song!

It is finally here. We have all eagerly awaited this video.

This breathtaking video was filmed, directed, and edited by Horatio's sister Scarlet O'Hara Lee Jenkins.

She filmed this masterpiece back in early March when we had that big snow storm and she has labored over it for many hours each day since. Scarlet finally finished it this morning.

Her hundreds of hours of work were most definitely worth it. This video is a glorious masterwork. The Lee Jenkins family is so talented! You should see the canoes that their brother Trafalgar Lee Jenkins builds. Once you have ridden in one of Trafalgar's canoes, all other canoes seem totally worthless. What a family!

(If you have a high-speed connection and a fast computer, you may wish to use this version.
If not, a YouTube version is available below).

 

To embed this version of the glorious video on your web page, copy and paste this code:

YouTube version:

To embed this version of the glorious video on your web page, copy and paste this code:

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Whiskey Barn Choir

Yesterday, Horatio gave me this wonderful message to post for you:

The beautiful choir vocals on my recording were provided by 300 of my wonderful friends at the Whiskey Barn. They were the first to comprehend the immensity of my accomplishment, so I reckoned that they should be given the opportunity to be part of this very important record. After we finished recording at Jimmy Joe Dan's Soaring Bald Eagle Studio, we brought the tape to the Whiskey Barn. I sat on the stage and hit play and let my friends sing along to my amazing song. Jimmy Joe Dan recorded their great singing. This song is so good.

Sunday, March 6, 2008

More stuff written about Horatio and his amazing song

Yesterday, Horatio dictated this wonderful message to me:

A local doctor, who will remain nameless, wrote this to a local newspaper:

"Dear Editor,

There has been much discussion in this paper and amongst my colleagues on campus about Mr. Horatio Jenkins and his popular song. Many students have been using this composition as a soundtrack to their parties in which they indulge in alcoholic beverages. Some fear that this song is encouraging these students to consume alcohol in excess and doing so under the pretense that excessive intake of alcohol is a morally correct behavior. These same critics fear that the mere fact that students enjoy this song is a sign of diminishing intelligence amongst our country’s youth.

I argue that these criticisms are sparked by prejudice against Mr. Jenkins’s lack of formal education. Mr. Jenkins is a voice for the disenfranchised. Many are outraged that Mr. Jenkins allegedly really believes that he bested Satan in a "drinking contest", but our folk songs and stories are filled with tales of the common man accomplishing the uncommon. Jenkins has provided our modern underprivileged class with a new tale of unexpected triumph and inspiration.

Mr. Jenkins’s composition has also been decried as being musically simplistic and unimaginative. I find that the composition demonstrates an exemplary knowledge of popular song structure and is more than sufficiently effective in obtaining its objective of being eminently memorable.

Horatio Jenkins is worthy of scholarly investigation and not derision. I welcome him as an advocate of the less fortunate and disenfranchised!

Sincerely,
Dr. ______________
Department of Sociology"

What the hell kind of Doctor is this idiot? I think he should spend more time fixing sore throats and sissies who fall off horses, and less time talking about drinking and singing.

This letter is stupid as sh!t and here’s why:

1. This ain’t a folk song. I ain’t some sissy hippie. This a country song.

2. Disenfranchised? I never bought a franchise in my life, much less lost one. What an idiot.

3. He implies that America’s youth isn’t stupid. They’re stupid as sh!t, even the ones who listen to my song. Damned kids!

4. If a scholar comes to investigate me, I’m going to kick his ass!

Now here’s something from someone smart:

"Dear Mr. Lee Jenkins,

My buddies and I play your song every night when we’re drinking. Then we sing it, then we play it again and sing it more.

We play it the next morning when we’re drinking the Hair Of The Dog.

You’re f*%king awesome!

Your fan,
Johnny Lee Debussy"

I had to edit out the cuss word, because I don’t approve of the cussing. I’d like to punch Johnny in the mouth for cussing, but he’s a smart guy and I’m proud to have smart guys listening to my amazing song.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Criticisms of Horatio's work

Here is a brilliant new message from Horatio:

Recently my work has come under scrutiny from a couple of local college newspapers. I wish to address these scoundrels here.

A local kid, who will remain nameless for I do not wish to allow him to leach my fame, from a local college which will also remain nameless wrote this:

"There has recently been a lot of buzz on campus about Horatio Lee Jenkins and his song "Drunker Than Satan". A few of the less intelligent students on campus like to play this mindless anthem while they are getting wasted in their dorms. Some have told me that they have gone to see him perform the song in a local farmer’s barn, nicknamed "The Whiskey Barn". My friends and I decided to find this barn and watch this hick "perform".

The barn was packed with stupid looking people of all ages. They seem to think this Horatio Lee Jenkins is some sort of second coming of Elvis. He and his band hit the "stage" (hayloft) around 9:PM and the crowd was frenzied. Women tore their own shirts off (most of them shouldn’t have) and most of the crowd began pouring beer over their own heads!

The band played one song! Just "Drunker Than Satan" and the audience was thrilled. Apparently, that is the only song they ever play.

I approached Mr. Jenkins after he played and asked him if I could interview him for the school paper. He said he’d only do it if my friends and I could beat him in a drinking contest. He explained that he could out drink the 8 of us combined. He did. The last thing I remember was seeing 6 of my friends passed out and Jenkins screaming at my friend and I that we were not real men if we couldn’t finish shot 16.

We woke up 5 hours later because Jenkins began spraying us with a garden hose and telling us to send our mothers next time because "they’d be more fun".

This man is an idiot and so is anyone who listens to his stupid song."

There is much falseness in this here account.

1. The barn was actually packed with stupid looking people, some not stupid looking people, and livestock.

2. All, not most, of the crowd poured beer on themselves.

3. None of them college boys made it past drink 10.

4. I actually said, "Send your mothers BACK, they are more fun." There’s only two of the boys whose mothers have not visited my bed and that is only because some women are too big even for old Horatio.

Here’s the next criticism that I wish to address. This is from a different local college newspaper:

"Horatio Lee Jenkins is a joke. This man is an idiot who clearly believes that he actually out drank Satan. I’m certain some dumb goth kid stumbled into Horatio’s local tavern, pretended to be the devil, and then Horatio out drank him. How can someone be so stupid?

Plus the song is horrible. It is void of creativity and lacking in integrity."

1. I have not had sexual relations with this author’s mother although we had our first date a week ago. As a gentleman, I only have sex on the first date on special occasions and his mother is not that special. I’m seeing her again tonight.

2. The only reason he doesn’t believe that I out drank Satan is that he is jealous and knows he could never do something that important. That and he knows I’m dating his mother.

3. Creativity? Sh!t! I out-drank Satan!

4. Integrity? Sh!t! I out-drank Satan!

SH!T! These guys are stupid as Sh!t.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Horatio's Artist

Here is a new message from Horatio:

The artwork for my record and my video (that’s right! I got a video a coming!) was done by my sister Scarlet O’Hara Lee Jenkins. She is so good at being an artist that she received passing marks in two of the three art classes that she took in High School. She was good at High School too and became the first member of the Lee Jenkins family to get a diploma. It wasn’t just any diploma either, it was a special one called a Ged. Our brother, Trafalgar Lee Jenkins, says that is short for "Ged Damned Smart".

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Horatio's story! (In his own glorious words!)