The Brilliant New Anthem By The World's Most Potent Heterosexual!
Most of you know that the weekly gatherings at the Whiskey Barn are invitation only. They have not always been that way.
About 300
of Horatio's closest friends have attended the Whiskey Barn gatherings
each Saturday for quite some
time. As the popularity of "Drunker Than Satan" increased, more
new people showed up each week.
Horatio's
friends are a varied and diverse group of people and I believe that this
came as quite a shock to some
of the newer attendees. One Saturday, a group of newcomers noticed a couple
of our friends holding hands. Apparently, the fact that this couple was
homosexual angered the newcomers and they began to harass this couple.
Horatio gloriously and promptly put an end to the harassment and made
it clear that hatred was not welcome at the Whiskey Barn, unless "it's
hatred of digitally recorded music and computers". The gatherings
became invitation
only after that sad night.
A few Sundays
ago in Church, Horatio addressed our congregation, "I been thinking
about that time at the
Whiskey Barn that those guys were mean to Paul and Randy for being gay.
It got me to thinking that there's just too much hatin' in the world and
if anyone can stop the hatin' it's me because I'm Horatio Lee Jenkins
and I'm awesome! I'm gonna play a new song at the Whiskey Barn next week
that's gonna stop all the
hatin' in the world for good!".
I believe
this song has the power to do just that. Once the world hears this glorious
anthem, hatred, itself, will
become a thing of the past!
Horatio Lee Jenkins, the WORLD'S MOST POTENT HETEROSEXUAL, now brings us a new uplifting anthem of hope, acceptance, and unconditional Christian love:
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Get Drunk As Sh!t...The Classy Way
Live Video Of Horatio Lee Jenkins And His Band Performing Two Of Their Well Known Songs!
Words cannot hope to capture the explosive power of the raging glory contained within this majestic motion picture!
For your own safety, please make certain that you are seated when watching this breathtaking film!
Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
To embed this version of the glorious video on your web page, copy and paste this code:
The Most Romantic Song Ever Made!
Horatio Lee Jenkins' newest masterpiece "Girl, This Bed Is Too Big Without All 12 Of You" tells the story of a heart-wrenching night that he spent separated from one of his favorite lady friends and how he and his other lady friends persevered and found an inspirational solution to their dilemma.
I challenge you to listen to this work of genius without shedding tears. It is not possible!
Horatio Lee Jenkins has once again shown us that we can triumph over adversity!
You can purchase his amazing masterpiece here.
Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
Glorious Photographs Of Horatio’s Glorious Band Members!
Scarlet has been working on these amazing photographs of Horatio's band mates for quite some time. She has accurately and eloquently captured the essence of these artistic giants.
Scarlet O'Hara Lee Jenkins is a true genius! Enjoy!
Sincerely,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
(you can embed any of these in your personal website or MySpace page by copying and pasting the code below!)
Carl Dangers has a wonderful song of his own!
Carl Dangers is Horatio Lee Jenkins' pianist and one of the kindest human beings that I have ever known. Carl recently wrote and recorded a wonderful tribute to Horatio called "Horatio Lee Jenkins Is My Friend" and Carl has posted it on his page.
Horatio was not involved with this recording, but all of the other members of his band were along with his siblings, Scarlet and Trafalgar. Scarlet did the art for the CD and, just like Horatio's masterworks, the song was recorded by Jimmy Joe Dan at Soaring Bald Eagle Studios.
Carl and the band performed this song as an opener to "Drunker Than Satan" last Saturday night at the Whiskey Barn. All of us who were in attendance agreed that this song is really nice. I believe Horatio was quite impressed because he shotgunned a 1.75 of the Wild Turkey 101 Whiskey during the performance.
After the song had ended, Horatio said to Carl, "Carl, that's a real nice song. You're a good man, Carl, but in the future when you perform that there tune, please don't look in my direction so much. It's kind of creepy and you're kind of creepy and that song is kind of creepy. Carl, I'm awesome!".
I was moved to tears by the eloquence of Horatio's glorious kindness.
What an amazing man!
Please go to Carl's page, listen to the song, and add him as a friend. He is a really nice person.
Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
Horatio’s glorious reconciliation with his father!
I neglected to include in my description of this site that Horatio's conflict with his father resolved quite quickly as they are both fine, admirable men. I will share the story with you, for I witnessed the dispute first hand.
Around 6 o'clock on a Saturday evening at the Whiskey Barn, Horatio's father, Napoleon III Lee Jenkins, approached Horatio and said, "Son, I just want you to know that I don't feel right masculine without my dual 3 gig processor home computer!".
Horatio responded, "Pops, I hate to do this, but you done asked for it! I promise I ain't got no 3 gig processors in my fists and my boots!"
The display of fisticuffs lasted but a few moments and then the evening went on as normal. Both Napoleon III and Horatio enjoyed Horatio's weekly rendition of "Drunker Than Satan".
The next morning following Church, Horatio approached his father and said, "Pops, I'm good and sorry that I done whooped up on ya last evening. I've been a thinking and I don't think computers are completely sh!tty."
Napoleon III responded, "Son, I'm good and proud of you. Nothing opens a man's eyes to the morning sun like a good ass whooping. I've been thinking too and, although computers aren't completely sh!tty, they are pretty sh!tty."
The two men continued to smile their impressive smiles and then said to each other in near perfect unison, "Hell yeah!".
Horatio then mounted his glorious horse, "Macho Pony", and rode off over the hill, not to be see again until the following Saturday when he made his triumphant return to the Whiskey Barn.
Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
The Whiskey Barn Symphony Orchestra
Horatio asked me to post the credits for his glorious new masterpiece so that his wonderful friends can receive their fair share of the praise for this amazing song's glory!
What a wonderful man!
Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
The story behind Horatio’s amazing new song!
You have all been mesmerized by Horatio Lee Jenkins' new work of genius "Oh Sh!t, I Don't Feel So Good" and now I am proud to give you the story behind this breathtaking masterpiece:
Horatio recently discovered that he preferred the flavor of the Wild Turkey 101 Whiskey to the Jim Beam Whiskey. The Wild Turkey has a considerably higher alcohol content than the Jim Beam. Horatio's first night with the Wild Turkey provided him with a new and powerful experience.
Horatio had a wonderful night at the Whiskey Barn that night and drank his normal amount of two 1.75 liter bottles of whiskey. According to the 6 ladies he was with, just after he finished the second bottle around 3 o'clock in the AM, he experienced a brief period of feeling less pleasant than normal.
The ladies were alerted to this fact when they noticed his ever present smile decrease slightly in size and then they heard Horatio utter the unthinkable, "Aw Sh!t, ladies. I don't feel so good." This was shocking, to say the least, as everyone knows that Horatio has NEVER not felt good in his life.
But in typically noble and heroic fashion, Horatio told the ladies, "Ladies, I apologize. I do believe my powers of pleasure may be slightly compromised at present, but I will continue to work toward your satisfaction."
After about 2 minutes, Horatio took a deep breath and his smile returned to its standard size. Horatio Lee Jenkins then said, "Hell, yeah!". The ordeal was over.
According to all six ladies, at no point during the 2 minutes of adversity, did they notice any drop in their levels of satisfaction. They all attest to the fact that Horatio maintained satiating all of them to a degree that no other man could dream of for the entire "12 hour lovin' session".
Like a great fighter who trains to go the distance, Horatio is now acclimated to the potency of the Wild Turkey 101 and it is unlikely that he will experience a sensation such as this again. But we are all oh so fortunate that he endured this ordeal and enriched our lives with another powerful, powerful, powerful masterpiece.
Purchase Horatio's wonderful work of genius here.
Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
Horatio graced the Whiskey Barn with his new masterpiece on Saturday night!
It was an overwhelming experience, to say the least. Horatio's band took the stage at 9 o'clock and played "Drunker Than Satan". After the subsiding of all the frantic joy that ensues with each performance of "Drunker Than Satan", Horatio's band was joined by approximately 30 more musicians. They brought a wide array of symphonic instruments to the stage.
I would be amiss even to attempt to describe this masterpiece. I can assure you that, at the conclusion of this new song, there was not a dry eye in the Whiskey Barn. Many members of the audience actually passed out due to the emotional exhaustion brought on by Horatio's genius.
It is irrefutable that Horatio has irrevocably redefined the concept of quality for the entire world.
As the musicians (all of whom were sobbing wildly, as well) began to leave the stage, Horatio announced that this would be the only live performance of this song due to its "devastating emotional impact".
After about an hour and a half, I was able to stop crying and I went to seek out Horatio. He was in a corner with about a dozen of his handsome, young lady friends, their beautiful faces were all stained with tears.
Horatio had his usual wide grin and greeted me in his standard way, "Hey Deacon! Have a drink! Deacon, I'M AWESOME!".
After agreeing whole-heartedly with his declaration of awesome-ness, I asked if he had anything to say about his new brilliant, masterpiece.
Horatio said, "Deacon, I've spent my whole life studying the mathematical intricacies of Bach's fugues, the a-tonal elements of Stravinsky's symphonies, the harmonic and rhythmic innovations of Charlie Parker, and Dr. Dre's pioneering methods of composition and production, so I reckon that it's a bit ironic that this here song that I wrote makes their masterpieces look a little sh!tty."
I then began to sob uncontrollably again. It is overwhelming to be in the presence of such a wise and eloquent man.
I will post his new masterpiece here once Jimmy Joe Dan completes a process known as "mixing". This song will enrich and uplift your life!
Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
Rumors of a new Horatio Lee Jenkins song
It is likely that many of you have been hearing rumors of a new Horatio Lee Jenkins song. I felt that I needed to address those rumors publicly and Horatio authorized my request last Sunday.
Horatio does indeed have a new song and will very soon use it to make our world a better place!
I personally know very little about this song outside of these few facts that I will share with you.
Apparently, many of Horatio's attractive young lady friends are members of local college music ensembles. Many of these young ladies, equipped with various odd symphonic instruments, have been rehearsing with Horatio's band at the Whiskey Barn. These rehearsals last upwards of 20 hours and have been occurring daily for the last two weeks.
Rod's farm has been closed to visitors. I ran into Rod a few days ago. He told me that Horatio's new song is breathtaking and that the musicians leave each day with tears streaming down their face due to the emotional power of Horatio's composition.
Carl Dangers, Horatio's pianist, told me with tears in his eyes, "Deacon, Horatio's new song is going to f*cking blow your f*cking mind! Aw f*ck, Deacon, aw f*ck it's good!"
Jimmy Joe Dan, who owns and operates Soaring Bald Eagle Studio, was teary eyed when he told me, "Deacon, we lost a lot of equipment from water damage. Musicians kept crying and crying due to the devastating emotional power of Horatio's new song and their tears ruined microphones, mixing boards, and even my coffee maker."
Jimmy paused to regain his composure and said, "Deacon, it's all worth it! Even if there were so many tears that my studio got flooded the f*ck out and then caused some weird electrical phenomenon which made my studio blow the f*ck up, it'd still be worth it! Aw f*ck, Horatio's new song is priceless. Aw f*ck, Deacon, it's priceless as f*ck!".
Please keep in mind, no man is more adored than Horatio Lee Jenkins and Horatio violently disapproves of the cussing. For two of his closest friends to be moved to such an outburst of profanity, they must have been severely emotionally intoxicated to say the least. I shudder to think what power this song may contain.
Apparently through all of these emotional recording sessions and rehearsals Horatio Lee Jenkins never stopped smiling, singing, drinking, and telling everyone not to worry because "everything is going to be awesome!". He is such an amazing man!
Thank
you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
The Amazing Music Video For Horatio’s Amazing Song!
It is finally here. We have all eagerly awaited this video.
This breathtaking video was filmed, directed, and edited by Horatio's sister Scarlet O'Hara Lee Jenkins.
She filmed this masterpiece back in early March when we had that big snow storm and she has labored over it for many hours each day since. Scarlet finally finished it this morning.
Her hundreds of hours of work were most definitely worth it. This video is a glorious masterwork. The Lee Jenkins family is so talented! You should see the canoes that their brother Trafalgar Lee Jenkins builds. Once you have ridden in one of Trafalgar's canoes, all other canoes seem totally worthless. What a family!
To embed this version of the glorious video on your web page, copy and paste this code:
Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith
The Whiskey Barn Choir
Yesterday, Horatio gave me this wonderful message to post for you:
The beautiful choir vocals on my recording were provided by 300 of my wonderful friends at the Whiskey Barn. They were the first to comprehend the immensity of my accomplishment, so I reckoned that they should be given the opportunity to be part of this very important record. After we finished recording at Jimmy Joe Dan's Soaring Bald Eagle Studio, we brought the tape to the Whiskey Barn. I sat on the stage and hit play and let my friends sing along to my amazing song. Jimmy Joe Dan recorded their great singing. This song is so good.
More stuff written about Horatio and his amazing song
Yesterday, Horatio dictated this wonderful message to me:
A local doctor, who will remain nameless, wrote this to a local newspaper:
"Dear Editor,There has been much discussion in this paper and amongst my colleagues on campus about Mr. Horatio Jenkins and his popular song. Many students have been using this composition as a soundtrack to their parties in which they indulge in alcoholic beverages. Some fear that this song is encouraging these students to consume alcohol in excess and doing so under the pretense that excessive intake of alcohol is a morally correct behavior. These same critics fear that the mere fact that students enjoy this song is a sign of diminishing intelligence amongst our country’s youth.
I argue that these criticisms are sparked by prejudice against Mr. Jenkins’s lack of formal education. Mr. Jenkins is a voice for the disenfranchised. Many are outraged that Mr. Jenkins allegedly really believes that he bested Satan in a "drinking contest", but our folk songs and stories are filled with tales of the common man accomplishing the uncommon. Jenkins has provided our modern underprivileged class with a new tale of unexpected triumph and inspiration.
Mr. Jenkins’s composition has also been decried as being musically simplistic and unimaginative. I find that the composition demonstrates an exemplary knowledge of popular song structure and is more than sufficiently effective in obtaining its objective of being eminently memorable.
Horatio Jenkins is worthy of scholarly investigation and not derision. I welcome him as an advocate of the less fortunate and disenfranchised!
Sincerely,
Dr. ______________
Department of Sociology"
What the hell kind of Doctor is this idiot? I think he should spend more
time fixing sore throats and sissies who fall off horses, and less time
talking about drinking and singing.
This letter is stupid as sh!t and here’s why:
1. This ain’t a folk song. I ain’t some sissy hippie. This a country song.
2. Disenfranchised? I never bought a franchise in my life, much less lost one. What an idiot.
3. He implies that America’s youth isn’t stupid. They’re stupid as sh!t, even the ones who listen to my song. Damned kids!
4. If a scholar comes to investigate me, I’m going to kick his ass!
Now here’s something from someone smart:
"Dear Mr. Lee Jenkins,My buddies and I play your song every night when we’re drinking. Then we sing it, then we play it again and sing it more.
We play it the next morning when we’re drinking the Hair Of The Dog.
You’re f*%king awesome!
Your fan,
Johnny Lee Debussy"
I had to edit out the cuss word, because I don’t approve of the
cussing. I’d like to punch Johnny in the mouth for cussing, but
he’s a smart guy and I’m proud to have smart guys listening
to my amazing song.
Criticisms of Horatio's work
Here is a brilliant new message from Horatio:
Recently my work has come under scrutiny from a couple of local college
newspapers. I wish to address these scoundrels here.
A local kid, who will remain nameless for I do not wish to allow him to leach my fame, from a local college which will also remain nameless wrote this:
"There has recently been a lot of buzz on campus about Horatio Lee Jenkins and his song "Drunker Than Satan". A few of the less intelligent students on campus like to play this mindless anthem while they are getting wasted in their dorms. Some have told me that they have gone to see him perform the song in a local farmer’s barn, nicknamed "The Whiskey Barn". My friends and I decided to find this barn and watch this hick "perform".The barn was packed with stupid looking people of all ages. They seem to think this Horatio Lee Jenkins is some sort of second coming of Elvis. He and his band hit the "stage" (hayloft) around 9:PM and the crowd was frenzied. Women tore their own shirts off (most of them shouldn’t have) and most of the crowd began pouring beer over their own heads!
The band played one song! Just "Drunker Than Satan" and the audience was thrilled. Apparently, that is the only song they ever play.
I approached Mr. Jenkins after he played and asked him if I could interview him for the school paper. He said he’d only do it if my friends and I could beat him in a drinking contest. He explained that he could out drink the 8 of us combined. He did. The last thing I remember was seeing 6 of my friends passed out and Jenkins screaming at my friend and I that we were not real men if we couldn’t finish shot 16.
We woke up 5 hours later because Jenkins began spraying us with a garden hose and telling us to send our mothers next time because "they’d be more fun".
This man is an idiot and so is anyone who listens to his stupid song."
There is much falseness in this here account.
1. The barn was actually packed with stupid looking people, some not stupid looking people, and livestock.
2. All, not most, of the crowd poured beer on themselves.
3. None of them college boys made it past drink 10.
4. I actually said, "Send your mothers BACK, they are more fun." There’s only two of the boys whose mothers have not visited my bed and that is only because some women are too big even for old Horatio.
Here’s the next criticism that I wish to address. This is from a different local college newspaper:
"Horatio Lee Jenkins is a joke. This man is an idiot who clearly believes that he actually out drank Satan. I’m certain some dumb goth kid stumbled into Horatio’s local tavern, pretended to be the devil, and then Horatio out drank him. How can someone be so stupid?Plus the song is horrible. It is void of creativity and lacking in integrity."
1. I have not had sexual relations with this author’s mother although
we had our first date a week ago. As a gentleman, I only have sex on the
first date on special occasions and his mother is not that special. I’m
seeing her again tonight.
2. The only reason he doesn’t believe that I out drank Satan is that he is jealous and knows he could never do something that important. That and he knows I’m dating his mother.
3. Creativity? Sh!t! I out-drank Satan!
4. Integrity? Sh!t! I out-drank Satan!
SH!T!
These guys are stupid as Sh!t.
Horatio's Artist
Here is a new message from Horatio:
The artwork for my record and my video (that’s right! I got a video a coming!) was done by my sister Scarlet O’Hara Lee Jenkins. She is so good at being an artist that she received passing marks in two of the three art classes that she took in High School. She was good at High School too and became the first member of the Lee Jenkins family to get a diploma. It wasn’t just any diploma either, it was a special one called a GED. Our brother, Trafalgar Lee Jenkins, says that is short for "GED Damned Smart".
Horatio's story! (In his own glorious words!)
My name is Horatio Lee Jenkins and I have a wonderful story to tell. The Lord has blessed me with the ability to out-drink any man. I used that ability to do a great service for the good people of this world.
One day the devil himself challenged me to a drinking contest. The devil is a sissy and weakling. I taught him a lesson that night and then I wrote an amazing song about it. That song is called "Drunker Than Satan" and pretty soon the whole world will be singing the sh!t out of it!
My record will be released soon. Side 1 starts with "Drunker Than Satan" followed by 26 minutes of silence so as to allow the listener to sing "Drunker Than Satan" over and over without some stupid noise getting in the way. Side 2 contains nothing because who the sh!t wants to get off their ass to turn a record over.
Vinyl records are the right way to listen to music. The mpthrees and the CD's just aren't right. Also, we record on tape because the computers are for cheaters.
But I try to be a good Christian and as a Christian I must maintain an open mind. I have an important message in my amazing song that must be shared and because some of y'all have been victimized by the technologies, I must be willing to use alternative formats to spread my inspirational story.
As a result, you can obtain "Drunker Than Satan" on CD with its beautiful art for 5 dollars. You can also buy it through the I-tunes for 99 cents, but it don't have the pretty art.
Later this year, you will be able to purchase it the true American way; on a vinyl record, for only 20 dollars plus the shipping and handling.